This is something that I started writing many years ago. It stems from collections of thoughts I had jotted down in journals--the college and a bit beyond years. The thoughts came from my feelings about things that I had read about, things that had happened to me as well as to some people close to me. I chose to write this as a letter in the first person a while ago.
Dear ____________,
It's taken some time. Time for me to ask why. Time for me to cry. Time for me to be angry and feel hate in my heart. Time for me to struggle through yet another day with thoughts of you cluttering my every move, thought, decision. Time for me to pray without ceasing. Time to try to reconcile and try yet again to please you and make you love me. Time to face the reality I had been avoiding all this time. You could not and would not love me. You got rid of me. Oh, I saw through your excuses, your lies, your "come here--go away " methods. But I chose to ignore it all and endure the hurt because I loved you and thought if only I could be this or be better at that that you would love me again...........and in the process I lost track of and lost a grip on....me.
But see, a funny thing happen. One day I chose to let you go. One day I heard some one say your name and it just didn't make me smile nor did it make me want to cry. That's when I knew. I had let you go.
You no longer controlled my thoughts, my fears, my happiness, my anger, my---everything about me. I felt a sense of relief and a sense of empowerment. I felt.....I felt strong and confident.....I felt well, like me again. The me before you ever came into my life.
Oh, I could blame you for so many things---and rightly so because of your manipulative and passive aggressive nature. But I also blame myself for allowing myself to become so dependent upon you for my happiness and security.
But now, I have found true happiness and it doesn't involve or include you. I like my life without you in it. I am cultivating the relationships with others that I had let slide because of my time with you and during the time I mourned the "loss" of you.
I am happy now. I love everything in my life now because I no longer have to keep you happy or worry that the things I am doing will upset you. I no longer have to dance to the beat you chose for me.
To quote a song, " you don't mean nothing at all to me." There is no anger or bitterness in that quote---it's just stating a fact---you just don't have a place in my life anymore. And that's fine. And that's how I want it to be.
Sincerely,
________________
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